Escalating conflict involves partners who tend to seek connection and validation with strategies that are challenging and confrontational, rather than vulnerable. 

Why do we do this? 

Because our attachment system adapts to use the best strategies, (we know of), to get our needs met. Early in life, we learned that vulnerability or directly asking for our needs kindly didn’t work. 

As a kid, these coping strategies often stem from your family’s emotional culture, such as talking over each other at dinner, or yelling before slamming the door and then acting like nothing happened two hours later. We learned that getting louder gives us a fighting chance to be heard and understood, even if that means drowning out other voices. 

In our adult relationships, these attachment strategies may manifest through behaviors such as  increasing the volume of our voice, demanding, complaining, or criticizing when we feel the bond is threatened within the relationship. Such threats include feeling misunderstood, emotional disconnection, rejection, a lack of support or care, etc. 

Rather than sharing vulnerable emotions, partners resort to harsh approaches to deal with perceived threats to the attachment bond. This pattern often leads to quick escalations, frequent expressions of anger, and repeated arguments.

Get Louder to Be Heard Pattern 

Let's explore an example involving Jamie and Alex, a LGBTQ couple in their late 30s. They have identified their negative cycle in couples therapy as the "Cycle of Misunderstandings." 

Jamie comes from a culturally conservative background, and their family has not fully embraced their sexual orientation. As a result, Jamie sometimes feels the need to prove their worth to Alex, leading to confrontations and demanding behavior when they perceive Alex is not paying enough attention or validation.

On the other hand, Alex comes from a more accepting family, but they struggle to understand the pressures and emotional conflicts Jamie faces due to their family's lack of acceptance. When Alex fails to grasp Jamie's perspective fully, it triggers feelings of frustration and hurt.

This cycle often leads to heated arguments where Jamie expresses their feelings in a loud and confrontational manner. Feeling overwhelmed and misunderstood, Alex defends and counter-blames Jamie. The more they try to communicate, the harsher the conversation becomes. Here’s what it looks like: 

Alex and Jamie sit on opposite ends of the living room couch, both looking tense and upset. There is an atmosphere of tension and frustration in the air.

[Note: This pattern of communication can show up regardless of whether the topic is in-laws or laundry on the floor next to the hamper.]

JAMIE (voice raised): I can't believe you did that again! How many times do we have to go through this?

ALEX (defensively): I don't see why you're making such a big deal out of it. It's not that serious!

JAMIE (angry): Not serious? You keep dismissing my feelings like they don't matter at all!

ALEX (irritated): Well, maybe if you didn't overreact all the time, we wouldn't be in this mess!

JAMIE (raising voice): Overreact? You never take anything seriously! It's always about you and your needs!

ALEX (standing up): Oh, please! Stop playing the victim all the time. You're always making me out to be the bad guy!

JAMIE (standing up, getting closer): Because you always act like the bad guy! You never listen, and you never try to understand me!

ALEX (defensively): I do listen! But you're impossible to talk to when you're like this!

JAMIE (frustrated:) Maybe if you actually cared, you'd try harder to understand!

Alex takes a step back, looking hurt and defensive.

As this pattern continues, Jamie's need for validation and support intensifies, and Alex's sense of being misunderstood and emotionally overwhelmed grows. Jamie becomes more demanding, while Alex fears they are the problem in Jamie’s eyes, so Alex fights to disprove any claim Jamie has, leading to more tension and emotional disconnection.

Understanding the Heart of the Fight

How can lovers attack each other so ruthlessly? 

If this pattern is familiar, you can take reassurance in that the energy and escalation in the Fighting to Be Heard pattern is about the intensity of feelings you and your partner have toward one another. It signals the significance of your attachment bond. 

Too often couples who have nasty verbal conflicts, deeply need each other and care about each other. The problem is the way each of them approaches conflict often perpetuates disconnection

The very thing one of you does to cope with feeling hurt, lonely, inadequate and/or insecure triggers fear in your partner. The way each of you handles that fear brushes on tender places in the other, perpetuating the distress cycle. - Veronica Kallos-Lilly & Jennifer Fitzgerald. 

The problem is how we fight for the relationship in this pattern often feels like we are fighting against each other. 

Dr. John Gottman’s research indicates that a conversation that starts harshly, will end harshly 96% of the time. The way we approach the conflict actually sabotages our yearning to be seen.

In the case of Alex and Jamie, they are fighting for a chance to be heard and as they attack each other’s character, “You never listen,” and “Stop playing the victim” it makes them feel more like enemies than lovers. 

Unfortunately, that fighting chance often comes with being emotionally flooded, our heart beating over 100 beats per minute. Essentially our body’s nervous system reacts to disconnection and misattunement in the relationship by going into fight mode. One of the survival strategies of fight, flight, or freeze. 

As we become emotionally dysregulated, we “Flip our lids” and lose access to our prefrontal cortex (see video below). The neocortex is the part of our brain that allows us to see other perspectives, have a sense of humor and problem solve. 

As we flip our lid, we start to use harsh words, including the four horsemen of the apocalypse as an attempt to get heard. In this state, we are blocked from hearing our partner’s experience and don’t accept influence, nor can we repair well or reach a healthy compromise. Hence why these nasty patterns feel so hopeless to stop in the moment. 

The levels of emotional dysregulation give us insight into how emotionally significant the relationship is and if we can begin to implement new strategies to get to the heart of what each partner needs, which is often connection, comfort, and understanding, the relationship has a fighting chance. You can learn to channel those intense feelings into a strength by finding ways to reach out and respond back to each other more lovingly.

From Escalated Conflict to Comforting Connection

After mapping out the “Cycle of Misunderstandings” in couples therapy, Alex and Jamie begin to see the cycle as the enemy, not each other. 

ALEX (voice trembling): I do care about you and want to know you.  I get overwhelmed when I hear the message that I’m failing you. So I fight back to prove to you how much you matter. I now see how that’s not getting us closer. Stupid Cycle of Misunderstandings.

JAMIE (teary-eyed): Thank you for saying that. I appreciate you. I can also see how my explosive reactions and blame hurt you. You do matter to me and I’m sorry I come at you so hot. I am so eager to be heard by you that I will get louder. I understand how that overwhelms you and makes it hard to hear me. 

Alex (softly): I’m eager for this pattern to stop. 

JAMIE (voice softening): I don't want to fight all the time either. I need you to hear me. I’ll work on sharing more like I am now. This is foreign to me. 

ALEX (looking hopeful): I'm trying to see this pattern too and it’s foreign to me. When you do share, I’ll try to listen, so we can both avoid this negative cycle. I love you, Jamie. I want us to work through this together.

JAMIE(teary-eyed): I love you too, Alex. We'll figure this out, I promise.

They hold each other's hands, trying to find comfort and connection amidst the lingering tension.

Learning healthier ways to express vulnerability and emotional needs will help you break free from this negative cycle. By finding more loving and supportive ways to reach out to each other, you can create a stronger and more secure bond in your relationship. 

Remember, your emotions are valid, and by understanding each other's unique experiences and backgrounds by expressing vulnerable emotions and tuning into those, you can build a deeper connection and foster a more fulfilling relationship.

De-Escalation Strategies: Fostering Emotional Connection and Resolution

Unravel the Negative Cycle: When either of us feels a sense of insecurity in our bond, it triggers a sequence of actions. For instance, I might react by attacking your character, and in response, you might feel compelled to defend yourself. This dynamic escalates as I become louder and more critical, seeking you to understand my fear, while your defensiveness intensifies due to a sense of being misunderstood.

• Identify and Address the Cycle: It's essential to acknowledge the cycle of discord when it emerges. We can assign it a name that serves as a signal to both of us, indicating that we are venturing into detrimental relationship territory. Using this cue, we can decide to take a break and reconvene after 30 minutes.
• Implement a Timeout Pact: When the cycle surfaces, we can commit to a timeout pact. During this break, we engage in separate calming activities. It's crucial not to dwell on perceived wrongdoings or mistakes of the other person. Instead, we should consider the cycle itself as the issue, reminding ourselves that our love for each other is intact. Recognizing that both of us may be experiencing hurt. During this pause, we can reflect on our emotional needs and feelings, paving the way for a gentle sharing. Set the intention to reconnect after the timeout or check-in at 30-minutes to see if partners are ready to repair. 
• Reconnect and Share Vulnerably: If partners regain emotional equilibrium, we can come back together to reconnect. This is an opportunity to mend and open up about the emotions triggered during the conflict. Alex might express, "I reacted defensively out of fear that you might perceive me as uncaring. I'm sorry for that. I value your feelings, and I want to listen." Jamie could respond, "Thank you for acknowledging that. I do recognize your care. What affected me was the worry that I might not matter to you. My reaction of raising my voice was an attempt to gauge my significance. Can you reassure me?" Alex then assures, "I appreciate you sharing that. You absolutely matter to me, Jamie. Your presence is significant, and I care deeply about you."

By implementing these strategies, we can enhance emotional safety, disengage from destructive cycles, and foster open dialogue, thereby nurturing a stronger and more understanding relationship between Alex and Jamie.

Navigating The Path from Conflict to Connection

In the journey of relationships, the "Fighting to Be Heard" pattern often emerges as a consequence of deeply ingrained coping strategies stemming from our past experiences. When partners seek connection through confrontational means rather than vulnerability, tensions rise, and understanding diminishes. 

This cycle, rooted in the intensity of emotions and a longing to be heard, can drive a wedge between even the most loving couples. Recognizing that the battle is not against each other, but against the negative pattern itself, is a pivotal first step. 

By implementing de-escalation strategies, such as naming the cycle, taking a timeout pact, and sharing vulnerably, couples can interrupt the destructive cycle, allowing space for empathy, understanding, and growth. Partners like Alex and Jamie, who courageously confront their patterns, transform their conflict into an opportunity for profound connection. Through these efforts, love, acceptance, and communication flourish, fostering a bond that is resilient, nurturing, and built on mutual understanding. 

The path from escalated conflict to comforting connection is paved with vulnerability, empathy, and a commitment to rediscover the true essence of love and partnership.

Here are some additional resources to understand and change the Fighting to be Heard Pattern:

Recommended Books: 

• Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love by Dr. Sue Johnson
• An Emotionally Focused Workbook for Couples: The Two of Us (2nd Ed.) by Veronica Kallos-Lilly and Jennifer Fitzgerald
• Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How it Can Help You Find - And Keep - Love by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller

Courses: 

• Hold Me Tight ® Workshop